Mad Rambles: I know it’s been forever but in the words of Billy Crystal said to a rather offended doberman in America’s Sweethearts, “Can i explain why i didn’t call?” to which the doberman replied “Grrr…WOOF!” and then presumably tore him limb from limb… But assuming that doesn’t happen to me here is my explanation. Since the first entry there has been very little movement on the actual film, we are still in pre-production and it’s miserably slow, White Rabbit and myself are currently suffering from acute neuroses, i’ve been looking up the symptoms and we’ve got most of them between the both of us:

pyromania, anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, phobic avoidance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors…

Ok well the first one and the last one I’ve always had, but basically, this project has taken a tole on us. But i’m getting ahead of myself. Here we go. Last time we left you with… finishing the script edits… really… well its been longer than I thought. Ok since then a few minor apocalypses have occurred. The most significant one was we lost one of our actors in a terrible fire, he had a lot of hair… oh no thats what i wanted to do when he dropped out of the project. Bastard has too much to do this summer then why did he call begging for a part and we gave him 4 being the generous people we are and this is how we are repaid! NEVER DOUBLE CAST! Anyway, as the old adage goes, when a door closes a window opens… on a high floor. But we landed on a better deal two more actors and our cast was complete again. Then about a week ago we nearly fired two of our actors, our leading man who’s a useless egotistical self-centred little shit and one of our supporting actresses a whiny little bitch who happens to be the leading mans girl friend, how the world doesn’t spin mindlessly out of control from fear when these two are copulating i’ll never know, we didn’t fire them they assured us that they were committed to the project but only time will tell if that was the right thing to do, i have a feeling that dealing with them will result in my having to drink Pepto-Bismol for breakfast for the rest of my life but anyway. Other that that the other nonsense we are dealing with at the moment is our slight problem with funds, that problem being we have none, and thus we are having a few events to raise funds, our organizer has come up with this, we do a garage sale, we take the money from that to pay off the rental of a room to have a fund raiser with entertainment and catering and with that money we put one another event of a non specific genre and use that money for the film… well here is how it’s actually going last week they payed an undisclosed amount of money for a table at a flea market, and payed 540 dollars for the rental of the room at a community centre, today is the 25^th of may the garage sale is in four days the fund raiser is in exactly one week, we have not advertized, we have sold no tickets, we have no sound equipment, no entertainment, no catering, N-O-T-H-I-N-G! We have probably payed out all this money for nothing and thus tomorrow we are having a meeting to discuss how FUCKED we are. In a related story for the past month we have not advanced on the actual film at all, we haven’t gone location scouting, we haven’t done props, we haven’t done table reads, again N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

This film is going to do my head in and turn me into an alcoholic and honestly i’m looking forward to it at least i’ll be ruining my life actively! Anyway I think thats everything for now, i’ll write tomorrow and tell you how the meeting went, if there’s anyone out there. Hopefully by tomorrow night I’ll have made a suicide pact or some other exciting madness like that so i actually have something to tell you all about in stead of me whining all day long.

Namaste

Mad Rambles…

We are Painted Face Productions, a local film production company from Ottawa, Canada. And…WE ARE PISSED OFF! This is our last resort, this is where we’re going to vent our frustrations, because secretly we hate life. We had no idea when we started this thing that making a film was going to be so FUCKING IRRITATING! Did you know that we ABSOLUTELY HATE everyone that’s involved in this movie? I bet you didn’t know that. After all this is over we’re going to fulfill our suicide pact.

Ok maybe that last part is a bit exaggerated, but seriously…

Alright lets be professional about this. We’re starting the story in the middle and as filmmakers we know that disorients our audience.

“I want you to have all the back-story, this is a very ominous assignment with overtones of extreme personal danger.” – Hunter S. Thompson

About a year ago I- code name: White Rabbit- decided that it would be ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS if we were to make a Twilight spoof. Seemed like a fine idea at the time… until I got started. OMFG! It was bad from the beginning, let me count the ways: to start it off, a friend that was supposed to help ended up being useless! I almost blew my brains out half way through. And then once I was nearly complete the screenplay after months, and months of pain and torment, everyone decided that it was the PERFECT time to “help me” with the script… well people are shit. Ever heard the story about the chicken that makes the bread? Well… I WAS THE FUCKNIG CHICKEN, AND THE SCREENPLAY WAS THE MOTHERFUCKING BREAD!! And then my friend and co-worker- code name: Mad Rambles- came into the picture.

Mad Rambles: Present!

And so began the very, very, VERY slow production of this nightmare that we call a sad, sad excuse for a movie.

DAY 1: RETRIEVE THE COMPUTER!!-

Mad Rambles: Here’s the story, about two months ago White Rabbit got herself a brand new iMac 27-inch desktop computer, a truly fabulous piece of equipment. It was to be our primary tool in this film’s conception. However the Gremlins had other plans. Approximately two weeks after its acquisition those filthy creatures got their hands on it and ruined the motherboard. Grubby little bastards!!! Or maybe it was just a factory defect I can’t remember, you be the judge… Anyway a few days after dropping the iMac At Carbon Computers, our local technological exorcists, it had been properly de-gremlined. We went to pick it up but we went too early and so had to break in through the sunroof with a tire iron, we did not have our regular equipment due to the unexpected nature of this mission. We were successful, however when we left we were chased by a troop of vicious squirrels, to prove this a video will be uploaded shortly. And thus after a brief run to the getaway vehicle we were on our way back to head quarters – code name: The Rabbit Hole- and call it a day.

Day 2: Forks and Spoons-

After a long day, and a difficult mission in retrieving the all important IMAC- code name: Leon- Mad Rambles and myself (White Rabbit) decided to continue our adventure the next day where we would sit at my computer and fight the battle of the un-finished script in our pajamas- like true warriors.

Mad Rambles: Though the war of our script was yet to be won, we achieved victory over the battles of scenes 27, 18, 19 and 23. A significant army morale booster but there was still far to go.

Day 3: A Day That Will Live Forever In Infamy-

At last! The day arrived! 12 months, 4 writing partners, millions of cups of hot chocolate, and innumerable cigarettes later, the screenplay was FINALLY COMPLETE!!! We rejoiced, jumping up with excitement, almost bashing our heads into the ceiling! And we followed the excitement by straightening Mad Rambles wildly curly mane… and then going to McDonalds at three in the morning, ‘cause we were lovin’ it ! Immediately afterwards, we didn’t see each other for YEARS…the next week we met again to set our first casting date and then the nightmare continued… amplified as castings begun.

AUDITION DAY 1:

Mad Rambles: After a brief reading of the script our character list was completed, we began casting with 35 character spots to fill, and so as this is a small company we put our casting call on facebook and invited about 67 people we figured about half would show up. Jesus! FATAL OPTIMISM = VIOLENT DISSAPOINTMENT only 6 I repeat SIX of the 12 people who had confirmed showed up And of those only half did a respectable job!!! (BLEEP) I HATE CASTING!!!

AUDITION DAY 2!!!:

More acceptable than day 1 of auditions! The two most important characters had finally been auditioned for and we were on our way.

AUDITION DAY 3!!!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!:

Mad Rambles: So finally we had an actual casting session, we had to improvise a waiting room so many people came. I guess thats what we get for bitching to people nearly every day about how hard this movie was to cast and how nobody ever came and blah blah blah, who said complaining doesn’t do any good, they’re wrong! Anyway after this casting session we had our full cast, we did have to double cast some people but we had to make some compromises there’s a recession on!

DAY 7:

Mad Rambles: And so the next step was one final pass on the script, to fix all the little spelling mistakes and the typos and reword certain parts and so forth, which to our surprise only took about 3 hours, not counting the time spent goofing around on youtube and food breaks, and thats where we are now. And its been hell and high water and snowballs in hell but we’ve loved every minute of it and I personally cant wait to see what happens next.

Signing off for the day

Mad Rambles and White Rabbit